Thread: A knock on JTM's Door (02/01/10 ATTN: JTM)

JTM finally arrives home, after dealing with Jason at Elysuim. Barbie sits on the table with a mini-broom, sitting beside Mini-Barbie who has the dustpan.

“God damn fuck-tard, Jason. Wasting my time when I could have relaxed more. Good to see that you are getting better, Barbie. Thanks for watching her Mini-Barbie, you’ll get a raise in your pay envelope. What's that, Mini? You set up a doctor's appointment for her. Rock on!!! Glad somebody's on the ball around here.”

He pulls out his latest installment of Lazarus “Mr Dipshit” Arch’s cash infusion, an envelope of $5 k, sifting through it sorting and counting it, when he hears the car and the knock not much later, quickly gathering up the money somewhat upset that he lost count on it mid-knock. He puts the money away in his jacket. He goes up the door unlocking the deadbolt seeing Alastair there. He nods to him noticing him with more gifts

He’d better not be here to ask the Barbie’s out. No way in hell, that’s happening, not on my watch.

“Sup Alec. Come on in. Pull up a seat. Want a beer?”

Alastair walks in taking off his trench coat and putting it on the back of the couch before sitting down, “Not a whole lot is going on just figured I would stop by talk for a bit, see how the rest of the party went. I think I will pass on the beer, however if there is any of that whisky left I would take a glass. The other reason I came by is because I was out shopping last night and realized that I totally forgot about Christmas so I picked something up for you.”

Alastair hands JTM the Wal-Mart bag containing the TV Guide, “Sorry it is not wrapped but I could not find the bloody wrapping paper in that place. I really had no idea of what to get you but I figured this would be appropriate.”

JTM gets up from the couch. He opens the fridge retrieving the whisky for Alastair along with a beer for him. He grabs a somewhat clean glass from the party, since dishes hadn’t been done….yet.

“Here ya go, Alec. Enjoy. Cheers.”

He sits on the table next to the Barbie’s watching to see if Alastair dares to make eye contact let alone see if the Barbie’s are smitten by him again.

“Sure. I got time, but my appointment book is getting filled up right, Barbie’s?”

He nods to them.

“Cool. That’s what I thought. Thanks for the heads up, you two. Don’t know what I’d do without ya.”

He looks back to Alec, looking at the TV guide somewhat happy.

“Thanks, man. Wrapping it wasn’t necessary, but I didn’t get you anything. I’ll have to fix that too. Fair’s fair. You mind?”

He opens up the TV guide perusing it rattling off shows. He skims the pages, glad its in English as he fingers surf the TV guide.

“Crossword Puzzle? Fuck that noise. I don’t have time to even think of doing that, besides that’s Barbie’s thing, not mine. She thinks of some of the weirdest words.”

He flips the pages still skimming it.

“Oooohhh, Heres a good one. Dirty Jobs, but who the hell wants to see Otto or the HNIC Calhoun take a bath anyways? They don’t make a Lava soap bar or an SOS pad strong enough to do that. Who knows? Watching soapy lathered Nosferatus and the rubber duckies those two might have, might be entertaining, but then again its the ugly naked guy factor that would make me change the channel. Next. Let’s see here. Hmmmm…..”

He starts chuckling abit as he sees there’s a Karate Kid Marathon.

“Take that Jason-san.”

He keeps skimming some more.

“Sweet!!!! The Superbowl is this Sunday. Saints vs Colts? Maybe I should put some money down on that. Father Viktor MulCahey and Sister Sophia Hoolihan will vote and pray religiously that New Orleans wins, but then you have the Colts. Shit!!! Kendov and Walker would have my head if I didn’t root for that team. I don’t want them clawing my face either for going against their animal brethren. Hmmm…decisions, decisions. Aw Fuck It!!! I’ll just watch the commercials, and skip the halftime show. It’s gotten retarded and G rated ever since Janet’s titties got exposed. Thanks a fucking lot Justin Timberlake. You just had to ruin it…you asshole!!!!”

He keeps looking for something that might be more entertaining.

“Uh oh…they have a game show network. Let’s see here. Oh shit!!!! They have the Dating Game and Love Connection back to back. Now there’s something you two should watch. Get you some pointers perhaps, so we can be “More civilized” than that damn Charles Barkley Right Guard commercial.”

He notices there are more music channels than MTV as well, and makes a mental note of that tidbit.

“And hell no!!! You two are not watching the damn Home Shopping Network either. Fuck!!!! And they have a Soap Opera Network. I’ll have to block those from you two now.”

He then starts to grip the TV guide tightly, looking back up at Alec, putting on his best non-upset game face, smiling back at him.

“No I mean it Alec. Thanks. Thanks a lot, man”

It figures the asshole had an ulterior motive to just piss me off, make me look bad in front of the ladies so he can move in on the Barbie’s. Better back the fuck off that, mister.

He sets down the TV guide looking at Alec.

“Did you have any other biz you wanted to shoot the shit about?”

Alastair looks at JTM with a bewildered look as he mentions the halftime show. He pours some whisky into the glass as finishes, “I honestly cannot say that I care for American football, if you want a real sport watch Rugby. It is similar to American football but no pads and people can get seriously hurt and they show it on live television, However I must say my money would be on New Orleans if I was a betting man.”

Alastair takes a drink from the glass, taking the time to savor the flavor before continuing, “You sure cannot beat the flavor and texture of a good whisky. I must say however that with two women in your home I defiantly agree with your decision to block the home shopping network and the soap opera network. After all, you would not want Barbie and Mini Barbie sitting around all day eating bon bons and watching the young and the restless in between ordering a bunch of crap from the television.”

Alastair takes another drink, “So how did the rest of the party go after I left the other night?”

JTM listens to Alec’s response.

“American football rules!!!! Screw that fake foreign shit!!! What the fuck!!! No pads!!! Hmmm….. Interesting. I may have to check that out then.”

He looks at Barbie seeing she’s got that “JTM, "you’re a jackass” look again.

“Next thing you’ll tell me is that WWE wrestling is fake, come on now. That shit is REAL.You couldn't convince me otherwise.”

He thinks long and hard on this,pondering it abit.

“K Tell you what, Alec. Let’s have a side wager then. I’ll put $1k down on the Colts and you have the Saints. That cool with you, unless you want higher stakes or different terms that is. I’ll host the Superbowl party for the city here then. How’s that for entertainment value? We’ll laugh at the commercials, and watch em root for their teams. Barbie, write that down we’ll need popcorn and more beer this time, will ya?”

He hears mention of bon-bons.

“Hey!!!!! What’s wrong with bon-bons. Do I look like I’m married with children, seriously?”

He pauses realizing he may have fucked seeing Barbie crying over his statement.

“Now look what you made me do, Alec.”

He goes to comfort the Barbies.

“There there. JTM’s here to make it all better. You know I didn’t mean that, not a single word of it. Blame Alec for starting it, not me.Yes. Yes I’ll get you some more things for around here. We’ll do another Wal-mart run soon, how’s that?”

He looks back up at Alec again being sad for Barbie and sneaking a sly grin back at Alec, making sure Barbie doesn’t see that exchange.

Two can play this game, asshole!!!!

“The party went off without a hitch, Alec. Nothing got broken, no blood spilled. It was awesome. I’m definitely having another one later on down the road. I’ll buzz you about it earlier this time so you can clear your schedule, cool?”

He then realizes something he's been meaning to do for awhile.

“By the way, Alec, could you inform the Gios that I’ll be stopping by the mansion later on, so I won’t be waiting locked outside by the gate….yet again. I guess Sophia gets a kick out of teasing me like that too, probably waving at me from the windows, snickering all the while.”

Dammit!!!! Stop talking about other women around the Barbies!!!! He’s doing this on purpose. I just know it!!!

Alastair listens patiently as JTM rambles on.

JTM is bloody nuts he actually thinks these bloody plastic toys have feelings and carry on conversations. Maybe I should have the Doctor come over and give him a psychiatric evaluation. Possibly a frontal lobotomy, those worked well back in the day.

“WWE, what the hell is that? I know what wrestling is but I have never heard of WWE wrestling. As for your wager I will tell you what I will take the bet, but I do have a request if you think you are up to the task. I am looking for a cask of Bushmills 1608 whisky; do you think you might be able to procure one?”

Alastair takes a drink of the whisky before continuing.

“You married? I do not think you will ever find a woman who could tolerate sharing a home with you and the barbies. Because lets be completely candid here JTM you are more than a little rough around the edges.”

Alastair finishes the glass of whisky, placing the glass on the table.

“Definitely the next time you have a gathering let me know plenty in advance so I can clear my schedule and arrive in a timelier manner.”

Alastair stands and picks up his trench coat, draping it across his arm. “I actually haven’t seen Constantino since we returned from Springfield however if you just let me know when you will be stopping by I will be sure to meet you out front, just incase sophia locks the gate.”

JTM looks confused back at him.

What the fuck does he know? Like I’ve ever treated any other women in my life badly. Hell Barbie just loves it here. Look at her…dammit she’s looking at him again. Fuck him!!! That’s the last goddamn straw!!!

“Rough, what do you mean rough? I treat people right, especially women. You need to lay off that whisky, its making you think and talk stupid drunk-ese, Alec.”

He watches him place the glass down on his table, happy he didn’t break his glassware. He nods back to him.

“Will do, Alec. Will do. You haven’t been in the Don’s loop? What’s up with that? Did you happen to miss the boat the Don jumped on this month? The Don seems to be racking up frequent sailing miles lately too. I wonder how his shuffleboard game is nowadays.”

He chuckles abit.

“Cool. Front gate first class service finally for a change. Thanks Alec. You take care and don’t let the books take all of your time. Shit I’d hire a secretary, but not Sophia. Word has it on the streets, she’s nasty at draining pocketbooks. The cash just goes POOF the minute it hits her hands. And then she craves more of it, so nobody is safe on that aspect with her. (singing) *POOF*, there it was!!!”

He stands up to escort Alec out the door, waiting for him to leave, giggling abit..

“Unless, you had some other last minute thing to talk about before leaving that is.”

Please say NO fuckhead and get out!!!

Alastair looks at JTM as he heads to the door, "You took my statement out of context. I did not mean that you treat people badly. I was referring more to your point blank, I do not give a shit what you think about me attitude. Which believe me is quite refreshing in the world we live in where someone is always kissing someones ass."

Alastair puts on his coat, "I wouldnt trust Sophia as a secretary either, but its nice to see that someone shares my opinion of Sophia. She is an accountants worst nightmare, maybe I should talk to Tino about putting her on an allowance. What do you think?"

“Out of context??? I did???? (scratches his head for a bit) Oh….(nods) yeah yeah I sometimes do that. I don’t kiss ass, much lately. I prefer to kick it with full bat authority. Just takes a couple good swings and hits and its all over…simple as that. No muss. No fuss. Problem solved.”

He hopes his blunder is forgotten to Barbie, and that the macho manly thing impresses Barbie and draws her attention away from Alec.

“Yeah, I’d yank all of Sophia’s money outlets away from her. Credit cards etc. Stick her on a stool facing the corner with a dunce cap. Give her a time out, if that’s the gio way. The Don needs to straighten her out if he can. Talk about poor parenting, Somebody should call child services on the gios I swear.”

He chuckles abit.

“Now if I had my way with Sophia. Hmmmm…. Here’s a suggestion. Take that girl out back to the wood shed, and whip the shit of her ass til its all good, sore and red with a wooden branch, hard for several minutes. That’ll teach her to not to call me just to order a hit for no reason besides “I want em dead.” without permission from her superiors. What the hell was whiny Sophia thinking? I guess she doesn’t like NOT getting her things “her way” then. And the way she gets pissy pouty waving her fists up and down. Damn girl!!! Grow the fuck up!!! Change her fucking diapers, Sophia’s shit gets real stinky at times. Hey, no offense meant, Alec. Remember, you asked me my opinion. That’s what I think about Sophia. You can tell her that if you want to, Alec. What the fuck can she do to me? Cry blood on my clothes while the lumps of brown stuff pile up more in her panties?”

He chuckles wondering why he made it so Alec would stick around and talk to him instead of leaving, that wasn’t part of the program.

“I’d suggest Barbie for your secretarial pool, she’s good with post its, however she has a job with me already. Don’t ya Barbie?”

He nods and winks at Barbie, then turns back to Alec.

“But I’m sure there is someone out there to take up some of your bookkeeping for ya. You got tons of servants in the mansion so make em work double time. Have Sophia fetch you what you need as a gopher. Sophia’d make those animals proud of her too.”

He chuckles some more.

“If you aint got nothing else for me, I’d suggest you jet and get back to the books. I’ll see what I can about the alcohol k. Have a good night, Alec.”

Maybe, just maybe he’ll get the hint to leave this time. I’m crossing my fingers, hopefully Barbie and Mini-Barbie are doing the same.