Thread: Last Minute JTM Xmas Shopping (12/24/09)

JTM wakes up, hitting his alarm clock for making him get up earlier than normal.

“Goddamitt!!! Will you shut the fuck up already!!! Enough with the BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!”

He slowly gets out of the bed after the alarm silences. He staggers to the kitchen, getting his customary beer, scratching his head, realizing he needs more beer and soon. He wanders into the living room, seeing Barbie sitting on the table there with her shopping clothes on, purse in hand. He stares at her then plops his happy ass on the couch. He takes a sip of his beer.

“Aahhhh!!! That hits the spot. Why are you dressed up and ready to go out? You aint going with me Barbie! You have to clean up this mess of beer torn up paper still. I told you that already!!! So don’t even start with the begging and pleading with me either. Bad enough I have to get out there and pick up some shit. I definitely don’t need you bitching and bawling at me while I’m trying to find stuff k Strike one.”

He clicks on the TV and sees that there is no video on the tube tonight, just a Salvation Army telethon.

“What the fuck is this shit!!! Barbie, have you been watching other shit again!!! I told you to stay away from the remote. Now my night is starting out bad. I didn’t need to be pissy before I head out the damn door. Strike two Barbie. No TV for you now!!! So there!!!”

He clicks off the TV in front of her.

“Dammit! I have to get out of here and get (cringes) shopping. Fuck. I hope you are happy now.”

He gets up from the couch placing his beer on the table, wandering to the garage, inspecting his bike. He checks to make sure the saddlebags are empty and able to tote some of this crap back to his place. He opens the garage door, getting on his bike backing it out, shutting the garage door afterwards. He starts the bike up and heads off to Wal-Mart. He drives a bit and sees that the parking lot is full, pissed that he has to park way in the back of lot. He gets off the bike grumbling all the way up to the doors. He grabs one of the last carts there, completely ignoring the greeter up front pressing forward to find the gifts he still needs.

Yeah Yeah Yeah. Get the fuck out of my way asshole.

He moves the cart through the flurry of people maintaining his composure at their lack of common driving rules of the shopping aisle. He goes down an aisle looking over the diapers.

“Damn they should yank some of these people’s shopping licenses. Hmmmm…Luvs. Nope. Pampers. Nope. Ah ha!!! There they are. The Leak Guard ones.”

He reaches up and puts 2 -12 packs of Huggies diapers in the cart. He then notices the old people over in another section he needs to get to. He tries not to bump the old guy with the walker that hard as he pushes past him.

“Sorry, Gramps. I need these. Excuse me!!!”

He snags some Depends and tosses them in the cart watching the old people stare at him funny. He then sees a back and neck massager that would fit inside a chair with tons of options. He inspects it over thoroughly. He smiles knowing the Don will love this. He then sees the old lady on the TV doing the “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” written right on the box of a medical alert panic button. He chucks it in the cart.

“Now you can’t get up…. bitch.”

He laughs jetting off to the pet section. He looks over all the pet toys chucking in a couple of big muzzles for Kalie and Sophia, some rawhide chew toys for Baby Wolvie, trying to find the shock collar noticing it’s a little pricy, wondering if it works like it says on the box. He gently sets that one in the cart so as to not break it.

“Baby Wolvie, behave!!! ZAP!!! Kalie’ll love this.”

He looks at other things in the pet dept, his eyes are drawn to the invisible fence for his house to keep those unwanted pests away. He places it in the cart next to the shock collar.

“Fuck,that shit is expensive, but money well spent. Got plenty, so I can afford it. Next.”

He then swings the cart by the fish tanks, looking at them remembering something someone once said to him. He scans the glass cases looking for the animal. He finds it shell and all. He smiles getting someone to get him the most regal turtle for him out of there so he can give it to Mr. Dipshit. He picks it up by its shell.

“Hey . How ya doing buddy. Goo goo goo!!! Whoa!!!! Pop that head right out now mister!!! Speak dammit!!!”

He looks for some turtly stuff for this guy finding him a new turtle home with JTM style.

“He’s gonna love this too!!! Maybe I’ll see if I can pack him in the attaché case if I can find it here and maybe he’ll say “Hello, Sup daddy” to Mr. D when he opens it.”

He then jets towards the cheap furniture section, but gets distracted by the kid’s toy section and wanders down there staring at all the Barbie’s in the aisle.

“Sup Barbies. Don’t worry ladies. Someone will find you a good home, honest.”

Even the store manager hides and doesn’t come over there. The checker sees him push the cart up there, shaking a bit as she starts ringing his items up. The constant BEEP BEEP BEEP almost sounding like his alarm clock unnerves him, but he pauses doing his best smiling act to her. He even helps her with scanning the huge box, while placing it down, doing his best “pretend its heavy” routine. She takes her time bagging his stuff being very careful. He shows her his ID on the beer too. The receipt in the register gets longer, and the numbers on the total price sky rocket, but still within his price range. She finishes with everything telling him the price. He pulls out the roll of cash in his jacket counting out the bills on the little ledge.

“There ya go, little lady. Go ahead, put the change in the Jerry’s Kids thing.”

He takes the receipt, showing it to the greeter so they can marker it, wheeling the cart out the slider door, glad it didn’t go off on him this time, to his bike way in the back. He opens up the saddle bags placing the delicate, small stuff in one and the rest in the other, making the saddlebags overfill slightly. He takes the huge box and places it on the back of the bike, strapping it in good and tight, leaving him little maneuvering room, but he cramps in there starting the bike up heading to his house satisfied that the shopping is finally done.

He pulls in his driveway. Scrunching himself off the bike to open the garage door, glancing to see if the neighbors are watching, he pulls the bike in the garage shutting the door down locking it. He starts unpacking the gifts into the living room, going back and forth several times, setting the huge box in last. He watches Barbie look over the gifts and manages to sneak the roses past her, placing them on the kitchen counter, adding some cold water to them. He pops the beer in the fridge, then finally decides to plop his ass back down on the couch happy that he’s done with all this shit. He grabs the beer he left there and the remote, switching the TV back to MTV, relaxing for a minute or two till it hits him. He drops the beer on the floor.

“Shit!!!! I forgot the scotch tape, scissors, and wrapping paper!!! Now what the fuck am I gonna do!!! I’m so screwed now!!!”

He hangs his head in shame wondering if Barbie could calm him down now, noticing she has a newspaper, safety scissors, and scotch tape next to her. He smiles at her toasting his beer in the air “Merry Christmas you mother fuckers…and to you too Barbie!!! Cheers!!!”

(OOC Hope You Have a Merry ChristMoose, everyone!!! Enjoy!!!)